WASHINGTON, DC – In a WonderfulPessimist exclusive, we have learned that President Barak Obama will hold a press conference within 24 hours to announce he is resigning the presidency to accept the head men’s basketball coaching position at Georgia Tech University. This comes hours after Dayton coach Brian Gregory was initially announced as the new G-Tech coach earlier this week.
Georgia Tech athletics director Paul Radakovich let the announcement slip in a recent Tweet, in which he said, “Brian who? We’re getting Obama, man!” Radakovich claimed President Obama’s masterful command of his recent NCAA March Madness brackets indicated to him there might be an opportunity in the making.
“When President Obama took office, his approval ratings were through the roof,” Radakovich told WonderfulPessimist.com. “But those have dropped and I heard through a head-hunting service, while we were conducting our search, there might be an opportunity there. At first, I didn’t believe it. I figured we were getting Punk’d or set up for an episode of Undercover Boss or something. So we proceeded with the Gregory hire. A couple days ago, the White House contacted me. That’s when I knew he had a real chance.”
Terms of the pending agreement remain undisclosed, though Gregory did confirm it was a “four-year deal” in line with other premiere college coaches. That would put his compensation in the $2-$3 million annual salary range. As U.S. President, Obama earned the constitutionally-mandated salary of $400,000 annually, plus a $50,000 personal expense allowance.
“In a lot of ways,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told WonderfulPessimist.com, “this represents a promotion of sorts for President Obama. He’ll enjoy a far higher salary and no more criticism than he currently endures. Georgia Tech basketball fans can be pretty fierce.”
The reception on the Yellowjackets’ campus has been enthusiastic so far. Top recruit Julian Royal of Milton High expressed optimism. “I get to be coached by Barak *expletive deleted* Obama? Are you *expletive deleted* me? That’s the *expletive deleted*, man! I’m so in! *Expletive deleted* coach Gregory, man! Barak’s my *expletive deleted*!”
Others were less enthusiastic. Sophomore center Nick Hicks said, “You’re kidding, right? The man’s March Madness brackets were way off. Kansas, K-State, Kentucky and Villanova were his Final Four. He got one right. Now he wants to be our coach?”
The White House immediately issued a press release announcing the revocation of Hicks’ scholarship and a subsequent FBI investigation into his academic record.
Politically, Georgia governor Nathan Deal, a Republican, praised the signing in a brief press release. “This is a great day for Georgia Tech basketball, and most especially, for the nation.”
On Capitol Hill, word of Obama’s pending resignation sent shockwaves throughout Washington. Vice President Joe Biden, who will ascend to the presidency upon Obama’s formal White House resignation May 1, told WonderfulPessimist.com, “Certainly I’m thrilled. In fact, Barak told me when he offered me the number two spot that there was a chance this could happen. The man loves his hoops.”
Speaker of the House John Boehner, a Republican, will become the interim Vice President to Biden according to U.S. Constitutional rules of succession, wept when he was notified.
Yet not all reactions in Washington were positive. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi expressed disappointment in the President’s timing, saying, “If he was going to do this, why not last spring? Then I could have been vice president.”
Also, junior Georgia senator Johnny Isakson, a Republican, noted in his blog, “First he ruined the country, now he wants to ruin Georgia Tech basketball? Go back to Illinois, carpetbagger!”
RELEASE DATE: APRIL 01, 2011